Mother Slammed After Refusing To Go To Stepson's Wedding Because His Grandma Will Be There

Aug 11, 2021 by apost team

Family drama can be messy. Whether it’s a never-ending sibling rivalry, a broken marriage or a rebellious teenager, everyone seems to have experienced their fair share of familial strife. That’s at least partly why the subreddit AITA, where Redditors ask the community who is at fault in a particular situation, is so popular. As the subreddit describes it, it’s a place “for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you.”

One viral post to the community from Aug. 9 has Redditors arguing over who was in the wrong: a toxic mother-in-law or a stepmother who is unwilling to go to her stepson’s wedding? However, the majority of comments slammed the original poster for being inconsiderate. 

As the stepmom describes it in her post, her stepson Tristan’s grandmother has always been rude and mean-spirited when it comes to interacting with her side of the family. At the same time, Tristan was also reluctant to form a close bond with his stepmother; instead, he preferred to spend time with his grandmother, the woman who seemed to disapprove of Tristan’s new stepmom.

Eventually, the relationship between the stepmother and her mother-in-law got so bad that the stepmom made an ultimatum: treat me better, or you can’t see Tristan.

At the time, Tristan and his grandmother were not pleased, as one can imagine. Their tumultuous relationship eventually reached a breaking point when Tristan turned 18. His grandmother showed up to the house, started banging on the door and shouted how much she hated her daughter-in-law, according to the original poster.

Fast forward ten years, and Tristan is getting married. Luckily, he’s made up with his dad and his stepmother. On the other hand, Tristan’s toxic grandmother hasn’t spoken to his stepmother since the incident — suffice to say that they are not on good terms. This brings us to the original poster’s question: Is she, the stepmother, in the wrong for skipping Tristan’s wedding to avoid seeing her mother-in-law?

The post’s top commenter doesn’t take the original poster’s side, succinctly writing:

“You tried to blackmail your MIL by keeping her grandson away from her, no wonder she hates you and no wonder your stepson does as well.”

Other highly rated commenters seemed to make a similar argument, noting that even if you don’t get along with a family member, you shouldn’t completely cut them out of the family.

“Imo, you and your husband made a big mistake in not allowing Tristan and his grandmother to be in contact with each other,” another user wrote.

“Ok. So she doesn't like you. But you could have compartmentalized the relationships between you and Tristan, you and your MIL (mother-in-law), Tristan and his grandmother.

"You could have still allowed them to be in contact with each other without you being a part of their relationship with each other,” they continued.

Of course, however, there’s another side to the story, and some Redditors seemed more sympathetic to the stepmother’s situation.

“Yeesh, I'm conflicted on this one. I would probably go if my husband needed the support, but I understand not wanting to be there,” one commenter began his post.

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With that said, the commenter continued by writing that “you guys shouldn't have kept him away from his grandmother if he wanted to see her and was old enough to express that (unless she was somehow a danger to him, that I would understand).”

The term the subreddit uses for situations in which there isn’t anyone who is clearly at fault is ESH, or everyone sucks here. While it seems like the vast majority of Redditors — at least the ones with the highest-rated comments — were not on the stepmother’s side, others were simply willing to say: everyone sucks here.

According to Tracy S. Hutchinson’s article in Psychology Today, there’s a technical term for what the stepmother is doing — “family estrangement.” And while many Redditors weren’t on the stepmom’s side, Hutchinson points out that the decision to discontinue a relationship with a family member is often a protective measure.

“Research supports that those who estrange do it as a “protective” measure to their overall well-being and describe it as a relief. However, it also comes with significant loss and hurt. Holidays, birthdays, and disasters or emergencies may be difficult,” Hutchinson writes.

With that said, Hutchinson also notes that family members don’t have to cut contact completely. For example, the stepmother in the story could go to the wedding while still limiting her communication with her mother-in-law. And after the event, she could go back to simply keeping in touch via text or e-mail — or completely foregoing contact.

“Maintaining distance is different for each person and depends on the relationship, your responsibility within the relationship, and managing guilt,” Hutchinson explains.

Who do you think is in the wrong? Should she go to her stepson’s wedding, or does she have a valid point when it comes to her toxic mother-in-law? Let us know — and be sure to pass this on.