Unhappy? Why Partners Can't Make You Happy

Oct 18, 2018

The relationship counselors Eva-Maria and Wolfram Zurhorst are among the best known and most popular of their kind - at least in Germany. From their own experience, both people usually don't know when to continue or stop the relationship. But really the problems are secretly about something completely different. Many couples come to the counselors to have their relationship rescued and are then completely surprised when the two recommend stepping back first. Men often think about restricting communication and women think that their attempt for more closeness and attention is ruined.

Many couples think that the fact that the couple's advisors want to bring about a separation doesn't correspond at all to the normally understood philosophy of counselors. The latter are of the opinion that many divorces would not have to be carried out at all if both people in the relationship became aware that crises are a normal part of relationships.

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The couple's counselors also believe that divorce is often a quick fix and never truly solves the real problem. Rather, there should be a class in school that deals with the subject of healthy relationship or there should be a sort of driver's license for marriage, which one must receive before entering into this lifelong bond. Both consultants are of the opinion that crises in particular should be seen as an opportunity. Furthermore, the two are convinced that one should take a break in a marriage and take care of oneself during this break in order to begin anew in a happy relationship.

If you asked the couple's counselors whether you should go or stay, they would reply with "neither!" They believe that what matters first and foremost is your own fulfillment as a human being. That is why they recommend that you first take a break and take care of yourself before you go any further in the relationship.

Our own ability to form bonds is shaped at a very early stage. Namely it shaped in the womb and up to the third year of life. Our environment is largely responsible for this quality, and we look to those around us to mold our own behavior. This means that our relationship as it is today has been shaped since our childhood. It's our internal coding, so to speak. When we installed this code, we all got only one copy from those who were in our environment, and that's why we behave the way we currently do. People are often hardly aware of this and, therefore, don't understand how they were or are programmed.

Many people switch to autopilot in a relationship and then wonder why they again and again reach the same point in all of their relationships even if they think they were smarter this time. After all, over 95 percent of adults are afraid of closeness and the remaining five percent simply want to have a fulfilled relationship but can't get out of their shell.

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First you have to clean up your own mess. This doesn't mean that you have to evaluate all of the guilt from your childhood or that you feel from your parents or even the environment that you currently live in, nor do you have to undergo a long self-analysis. It is true that you have to change so that the people that you're in a relationship with change. So, it is useful to be clear about what beliefs or values you bring to a relationship.

You can often observe that over 95 percent of what you believe or imagine comes true. If you think, for example, that your partner is cheating, then sooner or later they will be cheating, without you actually wanting that. Since you have convinced yourself that it is happening, you may end up destroying the relationship and driving your partner away or to cheat.

The code should therefore be updated before a separation occurs. Cleaning up, first with yourself, is the first step to having a happier relationship.

No, it's not that simple, and you shouldn't expect this from your partner. Relationships are about the right balance between longing for something and giving something that the other needs in turn.

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Every morning, when we look in the mirror, we should be satisfied with what we have and who we are. This will have a positive effect on any relationship or marriage. We must first learn to accept ourselves before plunging into a relationship or marriage. This also applies to protecting yourself. You have to learn to set certain limits and, of course, how to implement them. The rule is: If you are not at peace with yourself, you cannot be at peace with yourself in a relationship.

Therefore you should always spend some time with yourself and really come to understand what it is you do want and what you don't want. This may sound exhausting, but it truly isn't. It just takes a bit of practice and soon it will be very easy to think in these terms.

As we said before, the goal of the separation is to be able to appreciate yourself again. You have to like and accept yourself and know your limits, which you, of course, also have to tell your partner. We also must be honest with ourselves if a relationship is just draining our energy and know what is not good for us in order to tackle these changes. Your relationship with your partner can flourish or crumble depending on your relationship with yourself.

Do you know these feelings and thoughts? Or do you have friends who should read this article? Then send this to them, so that they know what experts have to say about partnerships and love.