Keeping A Failing Marriage Going "For The Kids" Can Give Them Serious Psychological Issues

Dec 28, 2018

You found yourself swept from your feet. Love made you believe anything was possible as long as you and your partner tackled it together. Years pass. Joyous celebrations become few and far in between. Truth settles in. Rose-colored lenses crack.

Instead of mountain-moving love holding you and your spouse together, all that remains is your shared love for your children. You have tried therapy, tools, and every relationship fix under the sun, but it is just not going to work.

You convince yourself your children are a good enough reason to stay in a toxic situation. Your happiness does not matter. You are putting their needs first. It is best for your children; you keep reminding yourself this or tell others when they ask.

Most children do not have the capacity to understand the delicate balance of intimate relationships. Their worldview is narrow at best, and their mommy and daddy are at its center. You might think fighting in front of a young child is justified since they do not comprehend your relationship, but it still has a negative effect on them.

Older children might be resilient or mature enough to understand that relationships and marriages are not perfect. Still, an older child can become as damaged and confused by a toxic relationship that continues because of them. When they view the hurt, disgust, or stress on your faces, they can place the blame on themselves and carry the guilt with them for the rest of their life.

However, children who live around constant warring parents could develop deep, unseen emotional and psychological issues that will follow them throughout life. Your actions and reactions occurring now are shaping their futures in love and life.

Remember, children are like sponges. They soak in every word and action from those around them, but this is especially true for their mommy and daddy. They cannot wrap their minds or hearts around your constant fighting, the tones you use with one another, and your facial expressions.

What you are teaching your children is that your behavior and interactions are normal. If one parent is an abuser, this could lead to your child also abusing their future loves. If one of his parents takes a passive-aggressive approach, your child could show the same behavior in their future relationships.

Children of separation and divorce do have similar physiological and emotional issues. Once the parents live apart, their exposure lessens. Their eyes open to other forms of loving expression, offering them a wider view of what is and is not acceptable behavior.

Non-violent relationships generally resolve and settle once you are both living separate lives. The love that brought you together might be gone, but a mutual friendship usually grows from the ashes, which is healthy for your children. They will not carry around as much guilt when they can see you are both happy and doing well.

Experts tend to agree that staying together for your children is more harmful in the long run. Rosalind Sedacca, author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce and victim of parents who stayed together for the sake of their children, recommends space and distance for children living in a toxic home environment.

This allows children a healthier view of relationships and allows the child to be loved in a safer environment. Because of her own experience, Rosalind advocates divorce. Her experience with growing up in a home where her parents were constantly fighting and disrespectful of one another is a major reason.

She’s not alone in those thoughts. Numerous scientific studies have emerged to support divorce and separation over staying together in a toxic situation merely for the sake of your children.

You and your spouse are not the only victims in a toxic relationship. Anyone around you is exposed in one way or another, but especially your children. Some lifelong issues they might deal with are paranoia, anxiety, depression, and they can develop mood disorders because of the guilt, constant tension, and ugliness in their home life. They might seek ways to escape as they grow older too, which can lead down a dangerous road of risky behavior.

If your marriage is not healthy, you should consider alternatives for the sake of your children instead of following the bad advice of staying together for your children. Of course, you should explore every avenue and possibility to fix your marriage. However, some relationships cannot be saved due to numerous factors, including violence.

What do you think? Should parents stay in a toxic marriage for the sake of their children or do you believe children in these types of households would be better off if their parents divorced? Let us know in the comments and pass this along to your friends and family to get their opinion, too!

Our content is created to the best of our knowledge, yet it is of general nature and cannot in any way substitute an individual consultation by your doctor. Your health is important to us!