I Have Anxiety. Here's What It's Like Inside My Mind.

Oct 10, 2018

Right when I open my eyes, I feel a shock run through my whole body because of the dream I had. What did I just hear? Was someone trying to open my front door? Is someone making a mess on my lawn? Are those monsters I feared as a child finally going to show up? I find myself asking these questions to start off the day.

Somewhere in my mind, I know that these noises are actually just my cat running around, or perhaps a heavy wind.

This doesn't mean I'm crazy. I just have a bad case of anxiety.

I struggle with insomnia, and sometimes I don't even get to sleep at all. I know I'm not the only person who's afraid of the dark, but the problem is I can't control my anxiety. Once it's there, I have trouble stopping it.

Anxiety can happen at any time. And it stays as long as it wants.

Sometimes I'm on the train and I feel a slight bump. All I can think about is the train derailing or getting stuck inside a tunnel. I'll be meeting a friend for dinner, she's running a little late and all of a sudden I start worrying that she could be in trouble and I should do something while I still can. So I'll send her a text to make sure she is OK.

I know the train just went over the rail at a funny angle and the rest of the ride will be serene. I know my friend just got stuck at work and didn't get back to me because she was preoccupied. But being aware of the reality just makes me feel worse because it reminds me that I can't stop feeling this way.

Now I'm telling a story to some co-workers and it's taking longer than I thought it would. I would never have told this story if I knew it would take this long. Why did that woman yawn? Why did that guy pull out his phone? Are people getting bored because of me? Am I making that woman get up to leave? If I stop now, I won't finish my story, but if I continue, everyone will be gone and I'll be all alone. I should have never told this story to begin with!

As the night goes on, I stop wanting to talk. People are wondering what's wrong and all I can say to them is, "Nothing." I have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is OK, which is very difficult to do. I'd be so embarrassed if people think I'm being dishonest. Are people getting annoyed with me? I better smile more so they won't be.

I'm so sick of playing this game.

So I go home. Now I'm starting to write something, but having trouble getting started. Why do I always get writer's block? Why do I have this problem so often? Why am I doing this?

My anxiety says what I'm doing is pointless.

Every day my mind is like a speeding car that can't stop. Once it starts, it doesn't hit the brakes. It's awful.

But this is how I am.

If I hear a funny joke, I can still feel my anxiety tearing away at me. It bothers me when I'm driving with the windows down. I can feel it while I'm typing this, but my fingers still run across the keyboard, heavily hitting each key.

No matter what I do, it's always there and never completely goes away. I know this, so I deal with it the best way I know. I try to block out every negative thought that enters my head. I tune out every bit of it because there are so many things to do. I do this because I have to.

I won't let my anxiety interfere with my life.

Will you? How have you coped with your struggle with anxiety? Let me know in the comments and pass this article along - you never know who it could help.