All Children Prefer One Parent Over The Other, But There Is Something You Can Do About It

Oct 30, 2018

As a parent, you may have noticed your children seem to prefer you more than your partner, or vice versa. If your child only wants to be fed, read to, played with, or consoled by your partner, it can feel like something is very wrong in the family dynamic and can make you are somehow failing as a parent.

But here's the good news: this is actually very normal, and it's not a sign that you are a bad parent.

Psychology is still learning about the way children create attachments to the people in their lives, especially their parents. However, research has shown that children and teenagers often go through periods of favoritism in their lives, and the "favorite" parent is not always consistent from birth to adulthood.

Toddlers, in particular, will choose one parent over the other as they develop connections and learn to rely on their parents. This is part of the development process and helps to guide their ability to form attachments in the future.

During this stage of development, children will seek out the person who provides the most care and support for their specific needs at that time. As the child grows and develops emotionally, the parent who best suits their needs for comfort will likely change, often multiple times.

As much as this favoritism might sting, the best reaction to it is to ignore it. Understand that just because your child is "excluding" you now doesn't mean it will always be that way. The favoritism may switch in a few months or years' time. Or you may find that your child seeks you out for very different things. Perhaps your partner is the favorite for daily tasks, but you are the one your child seeks out for comfort when they are sad.

Do your best to stay calm, and if you feel hurt, try not to let that hurt show to your child. Instead, take advantage of every moment you have with your child so they know that they can count on you just as much as they count on your partner.

It is very important that both you and your partner get one-on-one time with your child. It is equally important that the quality of this time is similar between the parents. Ensure that both parents spend time doing the fun activities and doing more mundane activities like homework or chores. If the child only spends time with their "favorite" parent or only does fun activities with them, this will likely just reinforce that favoritism.

Just as important as one-on-one time is to spend family time together. This also helps to build strong bonds with your child. If you are the "favorite" parent, give your child something to mirror. Show how important your partner is, how much you care for them, and how much fun they can be.

If you still feel like your bond with your child is weaker than it should be, find ways to forge a stronger one. Find activities that the two of you can do together that are just for the two of you. Maybe it's a special way of saying "goodnight" or "I love you." Maybe it's a particular activity that you can do together or a movie series that you can watch and discuss. Creating traditions helps to create stronger ties between you.

As with so many things in parenting, talking openly with your partner is key. Let them know that you have concerns and try to work as a team to seek out solutions to the imbalance in your child's favoritism. Even if the solutions aren't 100 percent effective, knowing that your partner understands and supports you can be helpful at times when you are feeling insecure as a parent.

Part of talking with your partner is looking at how the two of you approach parenting. Do you have stark differences in how you parent? Is one of you more of a disciplinarian? Is one of you more serious or more fun? These might give you guidance as to what type of parenting style your child responses to best.

Whether you are the "favorite" or the "excluded" parent, supporting one another is vital as parents. It makes the job easier, and it gives your children something positive to model in their own future relationships. No matter what, show your children, and your partner, that you respect, love, and support one another.

What do you think? Are you the favorite child, or is it your partner? Let us know in the comments and send this article to other parents you know!