8 Toxic Relationship Signs You Should Recognize At The Beginning
Oct 19, 2018
Love at first sight usually isn't a thing. Once in a while, people can look back on a well-established relationship and tell you it was special from the minute they met, but predicting it in the other direction is much harder.
Most of the time, if you think "This is the one!" right off the bat, they aren't. In fact, it tends to go bad places. Here are some warning signs that you need to slow down because this relationship is not getting off to a good start.
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8. You are planning your wedding five minutes after meeting them.
It's normal to wonder where things are going and to do a little mental exploration, but don't jump the gun. If you don't even have their phone number yet, you should be wondering if they are a good kisser, not if they will marry you.
7. You pretend their flaws don't exist.
Nobody is perfect. Pretending they are will go in a bad direction. This is hard to sort out because we all have our insecurities and something that bothers one love interest won't bother another. It can take a bit to sort out that "No, this person doesn't care about X and it is genuinely not an issue in their eyes." But don't fool yourself into thinking it will be smooth sailing the entire way.
6. Your new partner becomes your whole world.
It's normal to make a new relationship your focus for a time, but don't let it suck the oxygen out of the rest of your life. Make sure you stay in touch with close friends and keep up with hobbies and interests to some degree. Having nothing else going on in your life can make a person boring and emotionally needy and undermine an otherwise great thing.
5. Turning a deaf ear to warning signs.
We all get grumpy occasionally and sometimes are oblivious to social signals, but take it seriously if you notice indicators of a real cruel streak or signs that they are willing to do people wrong, especially casually. Normal people don't yell at the waitress over a small error. Small incidents like that can be indicators of bigger trouble lurking beneath the surface.
4. Poor boundaries.
If you have just met and they are trying to borrow money or if they get really upset if they ask for something and you say 'No' or if they just make a lot of assumptions without asking, this is not a good sign. If they are inexperienced, you might be able to educate them a bit about appropriate behavior. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do a whole lot of that. You aren't their parent and acting like you are is not a good basis for a healthy romantic partnership.
But don't assume it's all them. It might be you. If you run into this lot, start with the person in the mirror and wonder what you can do differently. A journal can be an excellent tool to help you sort out such issues and figure out how to handle yourself better.
3. The green eyed monster of jealousy.
Strong jealous feelings are a bad sign in any relationship. Sometimes, someone brings a lot of baggage to a relationship. Insecure people who have been burned or who had an unfortunate childhood may be prone to jealousy. But if the relationship is fundamentally healthy, this should start calming down.
If the relationship goes on for a while and strong feelings of jealousy remain a component of it, then something is wrong with the relationship. Healthy relationships adequately meet the needs of both partners such that they don't feel threatened by other obligations or by someone else giving you a compliment.
If you really value the relationship, it might time for couple's counseling or for individual therapy or even just hashing out a few things in earnest. But if insane jealousy continues to be a part of the picture, it might be time to consider parting company before this turns into a bar brawl or similar drama. No one needs that.
2. You can't bear to be apart.
If you are feeling this way, ask yourself why and try to address the root cause. If you live in a bad neighborhood or have childhood baggage and you feel safer when you have someone there with you, it might be time to get a dog or move to a safer neighborhood.
If you find yourself imagining that your new love interest is sneaking around behind your back, then dig down into that. Is that a reasonable fear? If it is, better to leave sooner rather than later. If not, work on yourself.
You shouldn't be completely dependent on another person. Ideally, you should be able to make your life work whether you are in a relationship or not. Two healthy people in a healthy relationship should have some resilience and tolerance for time apart. If that isn't there, it's time to look into why and do something about it.
1. Justifying all the bad stuff.
The relationship may not be abusive, but this is a good way to make sure it goes down that path. If you are terrified of being alone and can't stand up for yourself, this is fertile ground for things to go very bad places. Don't do this. Figure out what is bothering you and work on learning to communicate effectively about it.
Abusive relationships usually don't start out that way. They tend to follow a slippery slope from minor problems you can't solve to major problems you can't solve. A healthy partner won't have a problem with you wanting to sort out problems.
Do you recognize any of your own bad habits in the above? Let us know in the comments. Do you have friends who might like to see this? Well, forward it to them!